Hitting my head and getting concussions is a running joke with me. So much so, that on my stagette, my friends attached a veil to a helmet for me to wear around all day. It all started on March 1, 2013. That is the day I rolled my car coming home from the lake. It didn’t feel like I hurt myself that badly. I was able to walk away from the accident, but the affects from it were long lasting. It took almost 1.5 years to get over the concussion symptoms. I then received two more concussions in the following couple of years. Then this week, I totaled my car again and a similar feeling came sweeping over me. The pressure in my head started to intensify, focusing was tough, and the dizziness made itself at home. The difference this time? I recognized this was a clear sign to tell me what I was doing was not working.
I actually knock my head quite often, just usually it is not that severe. Every time I do, it is an obvious sign for me to take a step back and re-evaluate what is going on. The first concussion had a very obvious message. I was working full-time in one city and part-time in another city 130km away and I didn’t overly enjoy either. I loved the jobs in theory, but not in reality. Every day I would go to work feeling sick to my stomach about how much I didn’t want to be there, how much I knew I wasn’t going to do a good job, and how much I needed a change. That accident was the first step in a series of changes for me. Some were difficult and some were easy.
This time, this knock was a little different. I already felt it coming long before it actually happened. I woke up knowing that something was going to change, I even asked for it when I woke up. I already had flashes of some sort of crash, some sort of jarring, some sort of having to step back to re-evaluate. We are very physic beings, so it wasn’t really surprising when I saw myself sliding into the truck and unable to do anything about it.
After the accident, it felt like my head was trying to release junk I was holding onto, junk that was no longer working for me. The question was, what was this junk? Then the light bulb went off. I have been addicted my whole life to hiding. To not being seen. It has been a constant struggle in every facet of my life. I hid in sports and activities growing up, I hide in the background at gatherings, I hide from people trying to get a hold of me, I hide from my business and in my business. Then just like the flash of the accident, I realized it that wasn’t mine. It was no longer my cross to carry. I did not need to fall on this broken sword dipped in fear.
It all started with a question. Asking for some sort of message or sign. I asked for clarity. I asked for a clearer vision. I asked what was this stickiness I was going through. Finally, I asked if and how I could change it. Message received. I woke up today feeling different, ready to take on the world through different eyes.
Lesson is, never stop asking.